Here we are. It is now 2016. I have had change happen in many ways in my own single life. Some change has been small, yet the small changes I notice, often open out life in the most unexpected of ways. They also change things for others, who are somehow connected to you and those small changes ripple out. We are all connected; it's true.
In the last week before Christmas, I had a visit from the local council planners. Someone had made a compaint. Oh dear, this means big change! But, you know, I find myself surprisingly ready for it. I realise that I put myself in a place for the last 5 years, where I am not really supposed to be; off grid, outside the box, under the radar, on the quiet, without 'permission'; Not allowed. And now, I get it; I get why I did that. I did it, so that I could realise that I don't need to be there/here anymore. I don't have to be in a place where I'm not allowed, unwelcome. A place where my right to be, is in question and where I have to hide, and smile at people I feel inferior to, like a subserviant herd animal. No more, my smile is to precious for this to continue. My smile is for me now. No more will I give it away to those who do not earn it. I don't know them anyway, strangers and certainly not true to their own smiles, anymore than my fake smile of subserviance has been. This feels so liberating! I don't have to be nice just to be accepted. My acceptance of myself, runs alongside my acceptance of the world. If I cannot or will not accept the world, as it is, then how can I accept that I have a place here, want to have a place here; be here at all.
The whole point of the last 5 years has been many fold. Firstly, I have been in what I call 'sacred space', a place where I have been gathering myself together after a divorce and long years of that first half of life, in PTSD from early childhood trauma. I have been in 'retreat' from the world of the mundane; the profane world of ordinary living, working, and social norms. I have needed to be solitary, seperate, quiet. Somewhere that my over sensitive nature could heal from the tumultuous noise of the world, and so that I could learn where I end and others begin. That's been a huge part of the 'why' of being off-grid in sacred retreat.
2012 was also part of that reason. We all got caught up in that mind bending control misdiretion of energy, I guess. Well, there's so much to say about that, that I actually cannot be interested enough to write about it. It's dead and gone. So I mention it here briefly, in an honorable sense of honesty and openness, and now I will move on.
The other aspect, which I am arriving at now, is the big change and truth of realising that I actually want to be here. And, to do this, I now want (not need), to enter the world as myself. Here I am, willingly here. Finally, after 55 years I am here, in the upside world. The valley of the shadow of death, the dark night of the soul, and all the deaths and rebirths, the little deaths and the big ones, come to this 'second coming'. It's quite a challenge for me. I have to start from scratch, from the very beginning. Who will I be, what will I do? How will I do 'it'? All those questions!
To get to this place of being here, another aspect that I was reminded of by my greater inner being, was posed as a question to me, one that has repeated itself over the last 2 or so months. That question has proven to be profound in that it is the key to being able to actualise my arrival in the world. The question is, "Can you love the world? Just as it is? For all that it is?" This question brought me to humble and deep felt tears. My answer is, "Yes". Not just "yes I will," but "yes, I do". When I truly felt into the deep truth of my answer, I felt liberated from a place of judgement that said at an unconscious level, that the world was somehow wrong. Even though I know that there are no errors, and that everything is in the largest of views, meant to happen, even though at this physical level it seems to be horrid and difficult to love ... that, yes I do love the world and this is why since I first got here in 1960, I have been in so much pain. But finally, I have arrived full fledged (to use bird speak), with the wisdom of maturity and process underpinning my now fully deeply new, view of the world; a world that I can love, at last, for all that it is; as I can, my self.
'All that it is', means this wonderful melting pot of processes, wheels within wheels, where any soul may experience an infinite multitude of experiences, with others who are likewise seeking the full on experience of what it is to be human, on planet Earth; Our home and mother planet. The biggest Bird of all, turning her egg for the warmth and light of the Sun to bring us all to life. Wakey Wakey, Rise and Shine.
The answers come softly and quick, from that wisdom so hard won. I will be myself, I will find my way of shining, and everything will fall into place, as it will. All I need to do, is put one foot in front of another and Trust; just that.
Rise and Shine. We were born for these times.
Bring it on 2016
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